Untitled 31 Dec, 09

It’s Thursday, December 31st 2009, last of the 365 learning days of this year. One year which I’ll always think about no matter what.
This will be the year when stories were made, people were made, puzzles were solved, mysteries were revealed, the world discovered and invented and my mind analyzed what it could grasp and then it looked deep inside and explored depths of my inner child.

As tonight pauses and tomorrow stays a mystery.............

“The devils are mad choking me with the confederate feeling
That comes from the separation of love and hate and angels, they consume inner healing
From the first breath out from the mother's womb
To the last air to the grave, besides another woman soon
Carrying hope and nothing to take but only the precedent,
A longing for another life with the curious wisdom of past, present to an end.
From right to wrong, truth to a lie, love and deceit to a smile and a cry
A man was made thru the echoes of some souls that’ll always fly
Though his heart still dark and hard like the stone not ready to melt
Their every tear for my drop of blood and the wounds that have dwelt
From the eyes of a newborn and his little happy sonnets
To the tunes of a man and his painful moments
From the eyes of angel guided by god to my eyes deflected by the devil
From an age without worries to a world in another level
From good times and togetherness to this hour and endless loneliness
Memories and shadows of all that remains that pains in the chest
To the end of our days and to another beginning with nothing to moan
When the thrill is gone, nothing will be forgotten and no one will be alone
But if only a dream and only a prayer could change the hurt
‘If’ is a part of life but a door will open if another will shut
But those were the days and these are the times
And this is the world hidden in these lines
From stories of love, pain, guilt, hate, forgiveness and lies
To what was once burned and turned into ashes and fireflies”

-Reen

Dec10, 2009

It don't even hurt but sometimes we need answers

"Pleasure turns to the pain, of the lessons learned from the strain, of the questions burned in my brain, about whether to love is humane, in its touch. These thoughts are like salmon, Swimming upstream, In the tears of your deceit, Fighting the current hurt, That kills more than is created, By the chaos of our intertwined emotions: Chaotic because the anchor of Eros' arrow has been plucked from the vessel of my undying infatuation. Separation not as simple as the distance between us, my mind no longer possessed, by the demons that had been the overseers of my enslavement to your lies. The seeds of these lies rooted so deeply, They have cracked the foundation of what we once shared, Allowing the faith in us I had sealed inside, To gush out like a river, ripping the image of our future together from my thoughts as violently and as brutally as if it were a child being taken from his mother's arms. I'm left surrounded in darkness, but I refuse to be swallowed by it, my loneliness like the night air. Invisible to the eye, oblivious to the touch, in its cold uncomfortableness. Yet if I could do it all over again, I'd do it in the same skin I'm in. To lay down and let love die, Just stay down and let love lie: No, no, not I. I'll stay 'round and let love fly, Even though I have seen its darkest form, deceit. Nothing else could taste this warm or feel this sweet."

- Big Rube

"And these thoughts connecting me with the pharaoh, his answers are mysteries of my tomorrow, I fall from the frame of time and I feel covered with sorrows and black roses, and melodies of what tomorrow can bring if I'm there with hopeless soldiers. Time gaps and world ages in the midst of an uprising where the heart and mind are cages, reminiscence of smiles with tears of old times and those yet to come as frustration rages. Sleep without dreams or feelings as soul leaves the body and dissolves, so cold outside but warm inside as the air brings back fumes of love from the womb of mothers' love where it all evolves. I see a ghost dancing when my spirit walks alone, and my steps are erased on my way back home. Under the dark grey sky it rains purple through the light, as the tears are washed away at the end of every night. I ask lord where they all departed when the time was near, the sins they committed can't be enough for me to hear. Then that angel rescues the dawn and clouds shine along, my anger for them dies slow but my silence brings them back strong."

-Reen

It'll never hurt but sometimes we have questions

Dec 5, 09

The whole world is sleeping

Every next step is a step ahead, one step forward, one step up to the stair we climb remembering that we ain't coming down and even if we don't make it to the top, we should know that we are somewhere close enough.

This world is full of things which can be simple and otherwise complex. Somebody told me recently that when god makes a good soul, a devil comes along. So where are the angels? Are they inside us or is it that some people don't know yet what they are capable of. "A change brings a change" we must never forget this.

My promise is still a solid stone and it will be engraved with a word that I'll always keep. Not many get a second chance, I just had so many chances and I think it's finally that time when something there has a spark I was looking for, something will change for good.

A dream is a dream but a light carries hope, hope in darkness. Everything always happens for a reason.

"Below the lust of the clouds and the emptiness of the sea, in the soft sand I lay hearing my inner voice but then she comes. I look at her, she sits in front of a grand piano slowly lingering her fingers on it, getting ready to play. I look at her, she wears a black dress and she has a glow of silver, her soft hands, cold feet, hazy eyes full of depth of the sea, black hair slowly moving by the breeze close by, lips pale red all strawberry and she kisses with a touch of her bubblegum tongue. Time freezes to death but then the lights fall, curtains raise, among millions to honor I find solace and hope with courage to go on. That music can only be cherished some place where the world stops. On the tip of horizon where there is fire that flames. Peace inhales love"

The whole world is sleeping and I don't want to.

28Nov, 2009

Another crazy night and another crazy song, I played Nas and his 'Fallen Angel' and it was amazing, I felt like he was talking to me.

Then I felt gravity pulling my body and my soul leaving it, it started shivering, I was just lying and thinking and then my mind gave up, it just gave up.
I was high by memories of old times. Time so slow that even the clocks can't match, Rastafarian's can't conquer and kings can't rule neither god can define.
This is life and so close is death, sky is the limit and depth of an ocean is it's meaning. Something so deep that words can't explain, music can't define and another life can't ressurect.
Ain't this simple life meant to be hard?

There is a reason to live, I guess I have another reason 'Hate'
Perhaps not all find heaven and perhaps I know it so good, I just have to write it again, define it again, from the start to the end, from life to death, from child to father, from mother to daughter, from rivers to an ocean, from sky to stars, from light to darkness and from hate to love.

Yet again I'm back in the same old boat, same old feelings and same old reasons. If I drop another joint, it will rise from the ashes I pressume and perhaps death is all that it will speak of. Mine only!

1:42 AM

If Joint 50 is the last then I know that the things that I wanted to talk about would just be pages lost like vanished tapes.

If you know how your last breath is going to be then maybe, just maybe you wouldn't talk about it. If mine indeed is surrounded by shadows of my own self then I'm someone like Nostradamus. If it is like that same old way of traveling with the reaper then I wouldn't wanna know about it. Lying close to the loved ones, eyes dilated looking skinny trying to smile and holding the warmth inside trying to erase time that cannot return.

Mind is customary and can be molded in any form one imagines but some changes are undeviating.

"We begin and we end from ashes to dust and skin to sand.

Mother for heart and brother for mind, life for a puzzle and death to unwind

Father for soul and sister for fire, love for feelings and an endless desire

Closure for beginning and past for future but some roots of trust never nurture"

Something is about to happen, soon perhaps.

22Nov, 09

I guess it's not a fact but a pyramid stone, engraved in realism.

"They always bring unresolved issues" And then I remember this one line my friend once said "if you doubt love, it ain't love anymore".

14th Nov, 09

Yet another moment of purple and yet another song, many heard it and many liked it.

This time it was good, I broke the Stilluminati joints and their codes but it doesn't really matter

There is something inside that does it much better and reading me, I'm thinking about the only person who knows me better than anyone ever did or ever will

My brother

 

Nov 14^th, the first drop of cold drizzle took me back to the November of 99.

Peace out!

Nov13, 09

I'm tired.

I guess it's finally the time I have to decide between right and wrong, even though I see no difference.

There is this very thin line that separates me from something that is another image of everything around me, something that pulls me in and grabs me and next thing I know, I'm in this whole new world where everything is slow. They say that you don't think but it makes me think and I think deep. When that Bob Marley classic is playing slow, I'm just paused in a moment and the world around me seems all drunk and moving, whether it's me loosing balance or them, I really don't know but one thing I can say is, they don't do it cause they love it but they do it cause they are taught to.

Addiction is a bitch whether it's for drugs, love, lust, music, magic or madness. I know it all. I know all kinds of addictions. It's amazing that you always judge things the way you see them in that particular frame of time. Even the most horrible things can sometimes change your perspective and you can believe that it's for the good.

The seeds you sow can never surprise you. You should always be aware of the fact that the change comes if there is this miracle or a lie, truth cannot surprise you much but a lie can and many times it does.

06Nov, 09

Watch the hourglass pause and you can easily say that the time can slow down and every moment can be captured.

Hear that opera and the cry of that magical vintage voice that can't be copied, hear the slow jazz, stare a painting by Van Gogh and pause in it, Call your mom and hear her scold you about the world today and the lunch you skipped yesterday, talk to your old buddies about the school time, call dad just to say 'thank you', call brother to say that you need him cause you're about to mess things up, call your sister and tell her that you are with her but right now you need a big favor, call your favorites to hear them speak, call that crazy friend of yours who only wants you to get high and talk about the last time he got high, call one of your friends to hear her talk about the guy who recently dumped her, call those who need you and hear the appreciation their voice carries, talk to someone on the street, smile at someone round the corner, think about someone and expect that they think about you and to your surprise waiting for them to talk to you and saying this same thing, talking to little angels who don't know what a car is but they just want it anyway, help someone somewhere somehow.

Go back to your home town and be surprised by the change and see things move as time passes by so damn fast. You love it there but you know deep down where you really belong.

Walk that old empty street where it use to rain and you look up at the stars in the middle of the night expecting it to rain.

Looking in the eyes of someone and hiding something with a tear and asking them to trust you and you know that they trust you more than anything in the whole world and you know that they would never ask you about it again, even If it's a lie, they would always trust you with it.

Fighting someone for something and being in a position to make a move and when you decide that it's time to do it, her 'hello' changes it.

Hurting yourself only because you think that there is someone out there who got hurt cause of you only and no matter how much you do right, nothing will make that go away.

Thinking about the things we win and lose and time that goes on.

Losing your faith and expecting it to return soon even when it's gone good.

Confessing to god about your sins, even when you know that there is no god out there but the faith you carry for the belief that someone out there is always watching you.

That one final kiss above all, that washes your pain, makes you believe, makes you remember and then makes you forget what you don't want to remember anymore.

All this and more that you can't leave behind.

Stillness of an hour glass never stops time, time goes on. What needs to be done to capture every good moment is to bring that back in life.

Oct 27, 2009

After a long time I finally thought about a story, there have been many but none that made me describe my inside, just to pour it outside.

more than 45 days back home and I did paint, I did play guitar, I did made some more of the so called Green's Mind raps and I did had a good time.

In all this I was with people living my life the way I want to and god does it not feels good to finally be the person one wants to be? I'm that person I always wanted to be.

On my way back this last time I again ended up with someone on the way who poured out his heart in front of me. It's incredible that whenever I go home, I find someone who does find it absolutely important that I should know about them. The way they open up and then the way they tell me as if they have to, it's incredible.

I remember the guy who was in army playing golf every other day and all he would think about is his kid and wife. He told me that life is incomplete without the family no matter if I'm flying a fighter plane or if I'm hitting golf balls off the ship's wreck.

Then that girl who broke up with her boyfriend after 5 years relation, I still don't know if I even started that talk. All I remember is that she was telling me the whole thing from A to Z, and that guy who god married by an accident and a fractured arm. So far I think it was the funniest and most romantic love stories practically heard by me.

After 2 long years and everything in between, the rules, the codes and everything I did to change or to analyze myself, for the things I have lost and found, to a new life I have found. I'm happy.

It's incredible to find that I talk in a rather weird way these days, making people laugh their ass out.

My friend wanted to do some purple haze last night; he thought what I can come up with if I try it. I remember the night was indeed freaky with the movie and stuff we were talking about. We were playing this one legendary VA cd that was street rap. Some dudes were selling that on the street corner when my friend bought it for $2 and god that shit was awesome.

And then everything was slow, night was at its most lonesome hours. She was pure magic, her voice was reminding me of the music that use to be poetic, her questions and concern was reminding me of the young love that is like a mystic truth, a young love making you old before your time. I wish moments like these can be captured in a frame of mind that makes them so vivid that one can actually travel back time whenever needed.

Life is beautiful.

Friday 31st, 2009

 

Friday, August 31^st, 2009

It was a late night drive when me and two of my best buddies or should I say almost brothers were driving back home from a weird trip home and we had decided to return back late night on a 4 hour biking hike. Everything was so perfect like we had planned. Then suddenly no know came to conquer the moment. It happened so suddenly and no one had a moment to decide what to do.

There was big ass carriage vehicle up front and we were fast, on a highway everyone is always fast but that piece of huge shit for no reason stopped. My rommie pressed the brakes as fast as he could and then he let them go trying to cut the bike from the sides. That was the best anyone could have done cause otherwise we would have crashed straight on it. A heavy Harley version can never work with the handle but weight bearing, that 's how it cuts on the sides so we couldn't cut it and we crashed right on the side of that thing and then something flipped the bike from the front tire and we were mid-air, it was a two way collision. It was like a movie scene. It happened so suddenly that none of us could think straight. I felt immense pain and then I felt nothing at all. My left leg was crushed badly. Another second and everything would have been squeezed to pieces.

Then came the moment of truth, dark road with no soul around and just some people lying on the sides of that street came running and god they were drunk and they just ate our minds. It took us 3 hrs to reach our college hospital waiting for the ambulance and by that time I had lost like a bag of blood already after which we tried some of our own medical practice to stop the bleeding which succeeded. Then a surgery and stuff to deal with and then almost 5 in the morning and then the thinking of being alive.

God is great and devil is a mf.

The Greatest

 

You listen and you watch, you try to be the greatest, you see someone and you follow, you follow their footsteps and then you leave a trail too.

Sometimes in following our dreams we make so many little absurd turns, detours and unnecessary stops and then we end up somewhere where we don't intend to be.

I know someone who calls himself 'Renegade'. He is proud of this thing inside of him. He thinks no matter how wrong he can ever be, he is not lying to himself. He is what he says he is. People can make up the terms for his character. He never cares. He is hidden. No one knows anything about him. People have tried to understand him many times but he stays in his lonely, he does what he intends and he sees life with his own eyes, he follows his own footsteps. He keeps coming back, he says he can't let go.

He makes mistakes again and again and he just never stops the hurt inside of him. Something makes him go on, something that has been making him go on from a long time. There is a connection between his past and his future, a connection that music has with an instrument, day has with the night, and a dream has with sleep, a connection that has no half way, a connection that has no present, no composition and no rest.

"I know life never gets you where you want to be but it gets you somewhere close so you can try little more and have another day with another reason to live it".

I wrote 'Renegade' to define something that I'm proud of, something that I'll always be proud of.

Peace inhales anger, I wish the sun shines again.

 

July 21, 2009

What happens when you suffer?….when your purples give you yips?….when you know that it ain't you?….do you think that life can be the same?….everything sure always happens for a reason…there is a connection between yips and drips

People you talk to are gone in a split second and ya left with nothing but a thought of the present and a question about what went wrong…you can never answer that and the thing is..there is nothing that can match the question.

Floor is shinning with the water sprinkled on it and the ceilings are closing in…two people I spend most of my time with….two souls who I knew were always so happy are so sad and I can do nothing about it…I can't comfort…I can't tell them that things are gonna be fine..cause I don't know where I'm exactly heading..

I was listening to 'renegade'…a song that I wrote for someone..I now understand what it means..It just means that I can never be who I'm not…this song is about me…why I'm trying to change?

I guess I would never know…there is something that connects the mere possible with the impossible …and that's what makes the impossible …possible

I'm renegade and that's something that I'll always be

From Fireflies

The grass is high and the pain is under

If I get high then these times would wonder

The hunger still lies inside the fire

And the pain is a passion built by a liar

The church bell rings in my ears

And Satan inside me weakens my fears

Life seems consumed by a notion

And the answer lies in the depth of an ocean

Now only a reason can save this seed

And only a sonnet is enough to make it bleed

The grey clouds are turning black

The endless rivers are turning back

Somewhere Mary plays that old guitar

Steps taken forward can be ceased by a war

Life seems consumed by a slow decay till death

There's always a last rush of blood before the final breath

09July09

 

 

Can one change the day to night and night into day?

It's the same with love. One can never grow love in someone's heart. The more you try, the more you go away from it. Love is a mysterious thing, it's so weird. You just love and then you just hurt. You give it never to get back in return.

Monday Morning

You know it's funny when sometimes all you want Is everything and get back nothing. The joke rather becomes even more funny when you get some of what you want but that is not sufficient to kill the thirst but soon you lose even the little you gained.

'Se7en' is one nice movie, I had it with me from a long time but I never even tried watching it but as these days, passing time is hard so I gave it a try and man was I not laughing at that one scene. I should talk about it. Its dinner table where Brad Pitt is sitting with his wife Gwyneth Paltrow and Morgan Freeman is the invited guest for dinner. As they begin to eat and talk the whole house starts to shake as if it's some earthquake or something. Brad Pitt tells Morgan to relax and explains that it's just a subway and he begins to speak "this real estate guy bought us this fucking piece of shit, use to bring us here for only 5 minutes every time he would bring us here, 5 minutes only, fucking piece of shit, subway comes every 5 minutes". His lines were somewhat similar to what I have written though I don't remember but the thing is, Morgan Freeman looks at them with sympathy and says something about their house to be very lively and vibrating and starts laughing out loud with an excuse. Gwyneth joins him but Brad looks at them all flustered and says "alright already" looks at his wife and asks her "why are you laughing, I don't know why the hell are you laughing" and then they all start laughing together. That was one funny frame of that movie.

I remember some other not so funny lines from the movie and one of them is this "I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is the solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work."

So why do people puzzle with the shit that love don't costs a thing, it sure costs something more than anything else I can imagine.

You know there is this truth about the world. It makes you look what it sees and it makes you hear what it hears. People only wanna talk what they wanna hear.

Being alone is something hilarious to me now. You'll know it if you sit in a situation where your seconds pass like minutes and minutes pass like hours and hours turn to forever. When you want to talk to someone, there is a shit load of people you know, so many who care so much about you but going through the phone book of your piece of shit phone, it's ironic to find that there is not one person who you can call.

05Sunday09

So how one should explains vividness of life?

Can life be made by a green piece of paper?

Can it be made by people itself?

Can god write it or can we write it?

You can question yourself thinking you would know the answer but there cannot be any answer. Sometimes when the content of an occasion is no more favorable, we often feel alone. Where this loneliness comes from? Does it originates from within or is it ruled by the outer energies?

You can question too much and answer the same but its all bullshit. Nothing can work and nothing ever works. Sometimes you need to be alone to best judge your present which involves past phenomenon and future events.

Indulge yourself into something in order to understand it and this is the best way to learn.

This is how I learn. Right now I'm learning to pause time to better understand future.

"Sleep is the cousin of death"; I think I know what it means since I can't sleep for even a minute now. I'm surviving and my body is not giving up. I see no physical changes and something tells me that I don't have much time and this is how I have to live.

It's been 5 days without a single second of sleep. I don't know what my mind is working on, perhaps something so powerful that my heart cannot indulge into anymore. Perhaps I can't shake emotions. I ended 50 day thing on the second day of third time since I knew it would have been the last time and I didn't needed that anymore.

I wouldn't need help, I would need a miracle to understand myself now.

Peace!

Day 1

I did something and I lost something.

If it kills me this time than I'm ready, I won myself and I lost myself the same time. I only had couple of hours to look at my inside and get to know the truth about me.

Here it begins again.

Day 1

Kissing moon

There is a difference between hate and love, but know this that hate is always greater than love and one has to live with this truth.

Being content about something is truly magical wisdom of heart, compassion brings internal harmony. Truth always fights with lie no matter if truth is defeated again and again.

I have spend this night watching stars lying somewhere and I stared for hours and then I saw what I was waiting for, a shooting star and then I kissed the moon and then I captured the brightest star.

My compassion is growing.

Day 50

50 days, what and what not to do.

There's quite a lot of what I stopped myself from doing for 50 days.

Crazy, psycho and unorthodox are the kind of responses I can get for what I did. Not many know about it but few who do know a little about it thought that I was acting crazy. Some thought I'm weird and some stipulated by the strangeness of thoughts. For 50 days I did one thing without a concern, 'self-analysis' and I did it to an extent of my bearings. I tried analyzing my potentials, what controls me, what drives me, what hurts and breaks me apart, what makes me laugh. There were many things I wanted to know. It was like analyzing a new brain. For last seven days I went home and then all I did was getting back to the basics. I tried what I use to be good at doing a long time ago and somehow even after the instability of mind, I somehow came out of the state of purple. I explored myself and then I compared my insides with my outsides. I became ignorant for a while and then I became institutionalized.

I held my guitar in my arms for the first time after a long span with the feeling of making it cry. It was music that I was involved in, its music that makes me. I felt it in me when I first started believing in myself and wrote melodies. I did held a brush in my hand and it was stable for most of the time. It didn't concerned much, I know I will paint again and someday I'll recreate the magic I once dreamed of. I don't have a reason to write anymore. Green's mind has been a part of my anger for more than 2 years and in that time, out of my 40 entries most of them were written last few days. These 50 days gave me a clear picture of myself. I believe in myself now and I don't think that words of any kind can bring me down anymore. I'm ready to face the world now with a belief that I have learned what I wanted to learn. My act of desperation has given me a way out and the road ahead isn't easy but I'm not weak inside anymore. I have worked on my mind. I have changed.

In doing so I have lost things and people, it was a time of mistakes but now comes a different time, to get back and get going!

I wanna thank the confessor for holding well so far and all those who listened and I also wanna apologize to those who got hurt somewhere or have been ignored somewhere by things I have done.

Day 49

This is crazy

Things always happen even this late in the game; in fact with me things always happen this late.

The only thing that kept me going, I have lost it completely with no exit and no return back. It's gone and I'm 24 hours away from what I think was a change, it might be a change but not a good one.

Day 44 Suicidal Tonight

Counting today and more 6 days, it's only a week left now and it's just so hard to go on and see the end.

The change that I had considered isn't the change that it seems. Everything kinda happened the other way around.

All positive has turned into negative and it seems like I have drowned. I know that I'll sin now but I know that I won't confess anymore.

I'm listening to 'Gloomy Sunday' and the sound of that old piano in my head is trying to convince me to make a move and do it.

It's life and it's that simple.

Day 41

I'm calm and composed and anger is something that is somewhat a past thing now.

I don't care much about a lot of things now. Another 9 days I might not even care about myself.

Day 35

I haven't been missing my writing schedules but lately I have been writing other things.
Lately there have been a lot of things in my mind; perhaps heart would be a better source.
I have been missing and letting go a lot of things my entire life time, times when I had it in my arms and times when I didn't, times when all it needed was faith and patience did prevailed but patience is something that cannot be a forever thing. Every now and then you just need to get away and sometimes all you need to do is get away.
Couple months back I was lying in an open field under the starry sky and I was looking the dazzle of the night without the fear of my surroundings. There was this one pause where I couldn't even feel the stuff below me but only what was above me kept me mesmerized.
This one other time when I was just about to take a walk with my roommate and then we saw a blazing light behind us, it was coming from behind the huge trees before the big walls of our campus. We decided to go for it.
We ran
And we ran
Then we climbed all the way at the top of a 15 feet wall and sat right over it looking outside
Fields were burning and there were lines of fire dancing with the wind
We looked at each other and then we needed to be alone and we paused till eternity, everything was so slow and shiny in the dark.
Fire everywhere and darkness around it and then it began to rain. It was a time of life when god was watching it with us. Somewhere so many things were working on that frame of life we saw that night
We had our own thoughts inside us and we were thinking, looking at the fire I was thinking about my life. It's this thing that people love to explain and to put in their words but is it really that simple so that it could be explained in words? I say to myself that life isn't that simple! Anything simple can never produce magic and life can never be and shouldn't be simple.
In my time I have seen so much and heard so much but still I haven't done a thing, why would I think this way?
Why I don't let time decide?
Some say that I have done everything that one can think of but still things I have done, somewhere in my heart they were never what I been looking for. Now I'm thinking about what I really want, there is something that is blurry around my thoughts. I just don't know yet.
I'm just 21 and I think I want to be surprised by myself every day.
Just like today I was surprised by someone else.
Sometimes people give up and they do it in a second but it takes a lifetime to deicide.
Someone decided something on this day-35 and I'm happy to know.

Day 27- Crazy Old Feeling

It's back and I don't know if I should use it or let it be.

It's a feeling that brings the best out of me and maybe sometimes it overpowers me.

This time it's strong and I know I'm gonna be stuck with it for a while.

I'm listening to Notorious and keeping my feelings dry.

Day 28 begins!

Day 24

I found something about myself, something perforating. It's a force that cannot be overruled.

Human mind can never be changed and our thoughts and troubles cannot be ignored.

 

We all need something sometime and when that need for something becomes a necessity it becomes a desire, the thirst for water is unique which not even the best beverages can presume to measure.

Today I have found that I'm one of them, someone who knows what he is doing wrong and I can measure my thirst, my thirst to change. There is something that I want to change in me now.

I have betrayed myself and my own trust has betrayed me.

Day 24 ends in a purple high.

Day 23

It's the first time I wrote something mushy gushy.

My Jigga Boo returns and expressed in words and it has made me laugh again.

Self analysis is sometimes amazing; it can surprise you and make ya laugh.

Life is beautiful and there are so many ways that it can left you surprised.

I'm surprised.

Day 22

Something mysterious happened at the end of day 21.

I have been able to change something and that change is visual and affable. Remarkable changes can come and I'm braver than ever. I know that strength is tiring and weakness is lazy, this is where I think I'm beginning to find strength strengthening me even if it is indeed tiring. I'm preparing myself.

I have no fear. It's my rebirth.

Day 21

Day 21 begins

I'm happy

Day 20

I'm in my 20^th day of my 50 weird day thing [nothing I can talk about it] and I can see some weird changes. I have nothing more left to write. I don't know why it is like that but only when my thoughts won't come out anymore perhaps I'll lose myself completely. I'm thinking about what I have done so far in life that has a thought of strangeness. Of course we all do some things crazy sometimes but only some can actually keep a record of all those things and only some want to talk about them, I have always been the different kind, someone lost in his own self most of his life.

I always had the potential in me to be surprised by myself. At 13 I worked for movies once, at 14 I was a pro-guitarist, at 15 I was doing much of the singing, at age 16 I was painting and all these years I been writing.

I have a collection of love songs I have written in my 18 years of age, some collection that I call FIREFLIES. I have hidden them somewhere safe and they might never see the light.

As a kid, at one point I knew that I'll write my best at age 18, perhaps the words had so much fire in them that I burned them and they were all turned into ashes.

I almost wrote a novel twice and lost it both times by situations.

I have almost quit on everything once, almost everything I ever did, but I know the joy of 'how it feels to start again'.

I'm not normal but I'm not abnormal either. Everyone who has ever known me, I have made them think that I'm weird, not that I'm but yes, actually I'm weird. I can cook, perhaps I can actually cook in a way so that I can make you question my techniques and yes, you wouldn't resist asking my techniques.

I paint in seven layers, some techniques that were followed by renaissance artist and grand masters. I learned to recapture the mastery of art by following my mind. At one point I actually had dreams where I use to paint and in the morning I would try that same technique just to make sure it wasn't a weird dream. I once painted with ash. I know, this is little weird but I'm not a member of 'Priory of Sion' and that I know.

I'm a very good negotiator.

I have never been ruled by rules and regulations, damn right I got my own laws.

There is lot about me but what I'm trying to say is- I have already changed and all that I wrote about me is history now.

I'm already a new me and all this in me won't be in me from now on. I know it locks inside a person and mind always has the memory of it stored somewhere, my mind just wiped it completely.

Day 20 begins.

Day 19

I can feel my head bouncing against the turmoil's of past, present and future. I was thinking about the past and present mostly but then future struck me like lightening and it left me devastated and thoughtless. I had a belief and little hope for something that could happen but 'could' has the strength of 'if' and 'if is part of the word 'life', it speaks for itself.

People spend their whole life building up and making changes for their future but just a moment is always enough to change their present leaving no scope for future.

I was building up; I was provided strength by something that made me believe in it so much that I had given myself away entirely. I had completely withdrawn from my beliefs and rules. I had grown a lost hope, something I knew I would never gain back and then I had grown the roots of my fallen tree of trust. It all felt good but then lightening struck me, it was so sudden that I couldn't even feel a thing. Now I'm so numb that my body isn't at the will of my mind. My mind cannot stress more. I'm waiting for renewal, I'm waiting for my energy, and I'm waiting for my strength. It's not that I'm weak but it's just that I'm tired. It's like the truth that says that weakness is lazy but strength is tiring. There's a fragile moment of truth in my moment and that is, I'm tired of being strong for no reason.

I gave my heart without a price second time. I gave my heart and got a lifeline to work with. I gave away everything and became nobody. I gave it all away just to get nothing back. It has to be tiring and I'm very tired. I'm very confused and I had never been more strained.

Day 19 begins and I'm completely numb.

Day 18

It's easy to stay focused otherwise but sometimes you don't know.

I'm spending my time watching movies and writing mostly. It's the 18^th day and now I have come across some changes, most of which cannot be felt otherwise. I'm confined to confusions and sometimes I do act weird but then it's easy to gain focus back once I perform a breath hole. I have 32 days more before the reach the 50 day thing. I'm waiting for June the 13^th and my curiosity for a new change is keeping me poised with a strong feeling to suffer some more before I find an explored state of human potential, my potential basically and I do want to know, crave to know what will tomorrow make me.

Day 17

It was last night, I don't know what happened but when I gained my conscious and when the ghost of anger prevailed, I was lying on my bed with one arm completely paralyzed. Something was lost, I was hazed out. It was bleeding bad, every drop running, following a line dripping on the floor and I had to do something about it and it was supposed to be done fast but then I paused and looked at it. I was staring at the red wimps of reality, I was amazed by their departure, their eagerness to escape provided a loop whole. Suddenly my excitement went drooling and the horror of weakness surrounded me. Mind was already tired from days of sleepless stillness. I held my hand with the other and tried hard to push the stains away and provided a hurdle to their path so that it could stop the color forming over my skin. I tried hard for the longest pause of my life thinking and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. But then my phone rang and I was made to talk forgetting everything about the moment. A little 10 minutes past and my surroundings were all red. There was no pain, not even a feeling of it. Situation was so numb that only my eyes could sense what was going around me. I was vanished by the purple haze and spiritual high. Both erupted at their maximum at the sample frame of time. Intensity was so high that I had to follow directions of my other hand. Then I paused, supporting it with a band, still weak enough to do anything about it or maybe my state of mind wasn't allowing me to take a next step. I felt like an idiot who was strangulated by conventional suicide. But then I paused and wondered, I was fooled by the moment that made me meditate and I did. 10 minutes passed and something like the drops of warm life woke me up again. It was the same wound which was dripping life directly over my head. I couldn't fight the moment and neither had I tried but then I woke up with a splash of erupting life, I was back to the moment. I don't know what happened but it was my blood and it was everywhere.

Apology

In my 21 years I have learned one thing that I'm certain about.

An apology is never really an apology. The word 'apology' means nothing in comparison to a statement expressing remorse, one can always confess ones heart out but the truth is, said words cannot be taken back. After every mistake we think about time travel, If only a moment can be gained we would make the past different and we would live it different.

It's remarkable that we are taught about the word 'sorry' since we learn the word 'mother'. Little kids don't even know what it means but still they learn to speak up and follow what they are taught. This is the truth. Only a hazy feeling can tell you that you are high but even we don't question that also. Sometimes anger produces situations or consequences that one cannot judge keeping ones conscious at stake. Anger is a surprise.

I think confessing for a sin is another sin because to whom you would confess would never actually let it go. I think this is the only reason why confessing to lord is the ultimate right and apology is the ultimate wrong.

Apology is a word of wisdom and people believe to follow the rule of confessing even though deep down they know that no wrong is left forsaken. A sin is always a sin.