Day 1

I did something and I lost something.

If it kills me this time than I'm ready, I won myself and I lost myself the same time. I only had couple of hours to look at my inside and get to know the truth about me.

Here it begins again.

Day 1

Kissing moon

There is a difference between hate and love, but know this that hate is always greater than love and one has to live with this truth.

Being content about something is truly magical wisdom of heart, compassion brings internal harmony. Truth always fights with lie no matter if truth is defeated again and again.

I have spend this night watching stars lying somewhere and I stared for hours and then I saw what I was waiting for, a shooting star and then I kissed the moon and then I captured the brightest star.

My compassion is growing.

Day 50

50 days, what and what not to do.

There's quite a lot of what I stopped myself from doing for 50 days.

Crazy, psycho and unorthodox are the kind of responses I can get for what I did. Not many know about it but few who do know a little about it thought that I was acting crazy. Some thought I'm weird and some stipulated by the strangeness of thoughts. For 50 days I did one thing without a concern, 'self-analysis' and I did it to an extent of my bearings. I tried analyzing my potentials, what controls me, what drives me, what hurts and breaks me apart, what makes me laugh. There were many things I wanted to know. It was like analyzing a new brain. For last seven days I went home and then all I did was getting back to the basics. I tried what I use to be good at doing a long time ago and somehow even after the instability of mind, I somehow came out of the state of purple. I explored myself and then I compared my insides with my outsides. I became ignorant for a while and then I became institutionalized.

I held my guitar in my arms for the first time after a long span with the feeling of making it cry. It was music that I was involved in, its music that makes me. I felt it in me when I first started believing in myself and wrote melodies. I did held a brush in my hand and it was stable for most of the time. It didn't concerned much, I know I will paint again and someday I'll recreate the magic I once dreamed of. I don't have a reason to write anymore. Green's mind has been a part of my anger for more than 2 years and in that time, out of my 40 entries most of them were written last few days. These 50 days gave me a clear picture of myself. I believe in myself now and I don't think that words of any kind can bring me down anymore. I'm ready to face the world now with a belief that I have learned what I wanted to learn. My act of desperation has given me a way out and the road ahead isn't easy but I'm not weak inside anymore. I have worked on my mind. I have changed.

In doing so I have lost things and people, it was a time of mistakes but now comes a different time, to get back and get going!

I wanna thank the confessor for holding well so far and all those who listened and I also wanna apologize to those who got hurt somewhere or have been ignored somewhere by things I have done.

Day 49

This is crazy

Things always happen even this late in the game; in fact with me things always happen this late.

The only thing that kept me going, I have lost it completely with no exit and no return back. It's gone and I'm 24 hours away from what I think was a change, it might be a change but not a good one.

Day 44 Suicidal Tonight

Counting today and more 6 days, it's only a week left now and it's just so hard to go on and see the end.

The change that I had considered isn't the change that it seems. Everything kinda happened the other way around.

All positive has turned into negative and it seems like I have drowned. I know that I'll sin now but I know that I won't confess anymore.

I'm listening to 'Gloomy Sunday' and the sound of that old piano in my head is trying to convince me to make a move and do it.

It's life and it's that simple.

Day 41

I'm calm and composed and anger is something that is somewhat a past thing now.

I don't care much about a lot of things now. Another 9 days I might not even care about myself.