Day 35

I haven't been missing my writing schedules but lately I have been writing other things.
Lately there have been a lot of things in my mind; perhaps heart would be a better source.
I have been missing and letting go a lot of things my entire life time, times when I had it in my arms and times when I didn't, times when all it needed was faith and patience did prevailed but patience is something that cannot be a forever thing. Every now and then you just need to get away and sometimes all you need to do is get away.
Couple months back I was lying in an open field under the starry sky and I was looking the dazzle of the night without the fear of my surroundings. There was this one pause where I couldn't even feel the stuff below me but only what was above me kept me mesmerized.
This one other time when I was just about to take a walk with my roommate and then we saw a blazing light behind us, it was coming from behind the huge trees before the big walls of our campus. We decided to go for it.
We ran
And we ran
Then we climbed all the way at the top of a 15 feet wall and sat right over it looking outside
Fields were burning and there were lines of fire dancing with the wind
We looked at each other and then we needed to be alone and we paused till eternity, everything was so slow and shiny in the dark.
Fire everywhere and darkness around it and then it began to rain. It was a time of life when god was watching it with us. Somewhere so many things were working on that frame of life we saw that night
We had our own thoughts inside us and we were thinking, looking at the fire I was thinking about my life. It's this thing that people love to explain and to put in their words but is it really that simple so that it could be explained in words? I say to myself that life isn't that simple! Anything simple can never produce magic and life can never be and shouldn't be simple.
In my time I have seen so much and heard so much but still I haven't done a thing, why would I think this way?
Why I don't let time decide?
Some say that I have done everything that one can think of but still things I have done, somewhere in my heart they were never what I been looking for. Now I'm thinking about what I really want, there is something that is blurry around my thoughts. I just don't know yet.
I'm just 21 and I think I want to be surprised by myself every day.
Just like today I was surprised by someone else.
Sometimes people give up and they do it in a second but it takes a lifetime to deicide.
Someone decided something on this day-35 and I'm happy to know.

Day 27- Crazy Old Feeling

It's back and I don't know if I should use it or let it be.

It's a feeling that brings the best out of me and maybe sometimes it overpowers me.

This time it's strong and I know I'm gonna be stuck with it for a while.

I'm listening to Notorious and keeping my feelings dry.

Day 28 begins!

Day 24

I found something about myself, something perforating. It's a force that cannot be overruled.

Human mind can never be changed and our thoughts and troubles cannot be ignored.

 

We all need something sometime and when that need for something becomes a necessity it becomes a desire, the thirst for water is unique which not even the best beverages can presume to measure.

Today I have found that I'm one of them, someone who knows what he is doing wrong and I can measure my thirst, my thirst to change. There is something that I want to change in me now.

I have betrayed myself and my own trust has betrayed me.

Day 24 ends in a purple high.

Day 23

It's the first time I wrote something mushy gushy.

My Jigga Boo returns and expressed in words and it has made me laugh again.

Self analysis is sometimes amazing; it can surprise you and make ya laugh.

Life is beautiful and there are so many ways that it can left you surprised.

I'm surprised.

Day 22

Something mysterious happened at the end of day 21.

I have been able to change something and that change is visual and affable. Remarkable changes can come and I'm braver than ever. I know that strength is tiring and weakness is lazy, this is where I think I'm beginning to find strength strengthening me even if it is indeed tiring. I'm preparing myself.

I have no fear. It's my rebirth.

Day 21

Day 21 begins

I'm happy

Day 20

I'm in my 20^th day of my 50 weird day thing [nothing I can talk about it] and I can see some weird changes. I have nothing more left to write. I don't know why it is like that but only when my thoughts won't come out anymore perhaps I'll lose myself completely. I'm thinking about what I have done so far in life that has a thought of strangeness. Of course we all do some things crazy sometimes but only some can actually keep a record of all those things and only some want to talk about them, I have always been the different kind, someone lost in his own self most of his life.

I always had the potential in me to be surprised by myself. At 13 I worked for movies once, at 14 I was a pro-guitarist, at 15 I was doing much of the singing, at age 16 I was painting and all these years I been writing.

I have a collection of love songs I have written in my 18 years of age, some collection that I call FIREFLIES. I have hidden them somewhere safe and they might never see the light.

As a kid, at one point I knew that I'll write my best at age 18, perhaps the words had so much fire in them that I burned them and they were all turned into ashes.

I almost wrote a novel twice and lost it both times by situations.

I have almost quit on everything once, almost everything I ever did, but I know the joy of 'how it feels to start again'.

I'm not normal but I'm not abnormal either. Everyone who has ever known me, I have made them think that I'm weird, not that I'm but yes, actually I'm weird. I can cook, perhaps I can actually cook in a way so that I can make you question my techniques and yes, you wouldn't resist asking my techniques.

I paint in seven layers, some techniques that were followed by renaissance artist and grand masters. I learned to recapture the mastery of art by following my mind. At one point I actually had dreams where I use to paint and in the morning I would try that same technique just to make sure it wasn't a weird dream. I once painted with ash. I know, this is little weird but I'm not a member of 'Priory of Sion' and that I know.

I'm a very good negotiator.

I have never been ruled by rules and regulations, damn right I got my own laws.

There is lot about me but what I'm trying to say is- I have already changed and all that I wrote about me is history now.

I'm already a new me and all this in me won't be in me from now on. I know it locks inside a person and mind always has the memory of it stored somewhere, my mind just wiped it completely.

Day 20 begins.

Day 19

I can feel my head bouncing against the turmoil's of past, present and future. I was thinking about the past and present mostly but then future struck me like lightening and it left me devastated and thoughtless. I had a belief and little hope for something that could happen but 'could' has the strength of 'if' and 'if is part of the word 'life', it speaks for itself.

People spend their whole life building up and making changes for their future but just a moment is always enough to change their present leaving no scope for future.

I was building up; I was provided strength by something that made me believe in it so much that I had given myself away entirely. I had completely withdrawn from my beliefs and rules. I had grown a lost hope, something I knew I would never gain back and then I had grown the roots of my fallen tree of trust. It all felt good but then lightening struck me, it was so sudden that I couldn't even feel a thing. Now I'm so numb that my body isn't at the will of my mind. My mind cannot stress more. I'm waiting for renewal, I'm waiting for my energy, and I'm waiting for my strength. It's not that I'm weak but it's just that I'm tired. It's like the truth that says that weakness is lazy but strength is tiring. There's a fragile moment of truth in my moment and that is, I'm tired of being strong for no reason.

I gave my heart without a price second time. I gave my heart and got a lifeline to work with. I gave away everything and became nobody. I gave it all away just to get nothing back. It has to be tiring and I'm very tired. I'm very confused and I had never been more strained.

Day 19 begins and I'm completely numb.

Day 18

It's easy to stay focused otherwise but sometimes you don't know.

I'm spending my time watching movies and writing mostly. It's the 18^th day and now I have come across some changes, most of which cannot be felt otherwise. I'm confined to confusions and sometimes I do act weird but then it's easy to gain focus back once I perform a breath hole. I have 32 days more before the reach the 50 day thing. I'm waiting for June the 13^th and my curiosity for a new change is keeping me poised with a strong feeling to suffer some more before I find an explored state of human potential, my potential basically and I do want to know, crave to know what will tomorrow make me.

Day 17

It was last night, I don't know what happened but when I gained my conscious and when the ghost of anger prevailed, I was lying on my bed with one arm completely paralyzed. Something was lost, I was hazed out. It was bleeding bad, every drop running, following a line dripping on the floor and I had to do something about it and it was supposed to be done fast but then I paused and looked at it. I was staring at the red wimps of reality, I was amazed by their departure, their eagerness to escape provided a loop whole. Suddenly my excitement went drooling and the horror of weakness surrounded me. Mind was already tired from days of sleepless stillness. I held my hand with the other and tried hard to push the stains away and provided a hurdle to their path so that it could stop the color forming over my skin. I tried hard for the longest pause of my life thinking and wondering what the hell is wrong with me. But then my phone rang and I was made to talk forgetting everything about the moment. A little 10 minutes past and my surroundings were all red. There was no pain, not even a feeling of it. Situation was so numb that only my eyes could sense what was going around me. I was vanished by the purple haze and spiritual high. Both erupted at their maximum at the sample frame of time. Intensity was so high that I had to follow directions of my other hand. Then I paused, supporting it with a band, still weak enough to do anything about it or maybe my state of mind wasn't allowing me to take a next step. I felt like an idiot who was strangulated by conventional suicide. But then I paused and wondered, I was fooled by the moment that made me meditate and I did. 10 minutes passed and something like the drops of warm life woke me up again. It was the same wound which was dripping life directly over my head. I couldn't fight the moment and neither had I tried but then I woke up with a splash of erupting life, I was back to the moment. I don't know what happened but it was my blood and it was everywhere.

Apology

In my 21 years I have learned one thing that I'm certain about.

An apology is never really an apology. The word 'apology' means nothing in comparison to a statement expressing remorse, one can always confess ones heart out but the truth is, said words cannot be taken back. After every mistake we think about time travel, If only a moment can be gained we would make the past different and we would live it different.

It's remarkable that we are taught about the word 'sorry' since we learn the word 'mother'. Little kids don't even know what it means but still they learn to speak up and follow what they are taught. This is the truth. Only a hazy feeling can tell you that you are high but even we don't question that also. Sometimes anger produces situations or consequences that one cannot judge keeping ones conscious at stake. Anger is a surprise.

I think confessing for a sin is another sin because to whom you would confess would never actually let it go. I think this is the only reason why confessing to lord is the ultimate right and apology is the ultimate wrong.

Apology is a word of wisdom and people believe to follow the rule of confessing even though deep down they know that no wrong is left forsaken. A sin is always a sin.