Day 50

50 days, what and what not to do.

There's quite a lot of what I stopped myself from doing for 50 days.

Crazy, psycho and unorthodox are the kind of responses I can get for what I did. Not many know about it but few who do know a little about it thought that I was acting crazy. Some thought I'm weird and some stipulated by the strangeness of thoughts. For 50 days I did one thing without a concern, 'self-analysis' and I did it to an extent of my bearings. I tried analyzing my potentials, what controls me, what drives me, what hurts and breaks me apart, what makes me laugh. There were many things I wanted to know. It was like analyzing a new brain. For last seven days I went home and then all I did was getting back to the basics. I tried what I use to be good at doing a long time ago and somehow even after the instability of mind, I somehow came out of the state of purple. I explored myself and then I compared my insides with my outsides. I became ignorant for a while and then I became institutionalized.

I held my guitar in my arms for the first time after a long span with the feeling of making it cry. It was music that I was involved in, its music that makes me. I felt it in me when I first started believing in myself and wrote melodies. I did held a brush in my hand and it was stable for most of the time. It didn't concerned much, I know I will paint again and someday I'll recreate the magic I once dreamed of. I don't have a reason to write anymore. Green's mind has been a part of my anger for more than 2 years and in that time, out of my 40 entries most of them were written last few days. These 50 days gave me a clear picture of myself. I believe in myself now and I don't think that words of any kind can bring me down anymore. I'm ready to face the world now with a belief that I have learned what I wanted to learn. My act of desperation has given me a way out and the road ahead isn't easy but I'm not weak inside anymore. I have worked on my mind. I have changed.

In doing so I have lost things and people, it was a time of mistakes but now comes a different time, to get back and get going!

I wanna thank the confessor for holding well so far and all those who listened and I also wanna apologize to those who got hurt somewhere or have been ignored somewhere by things I have done.