The Greatest

 

You listen and you watch, you try to be the greatest, you see someone and you follow, you follow their footsteps and then you leave a trail too.

Sometimes in following our dreams we make so many little absurd turns, detours and unnecessary stops and then we end up somewhere where we don't intend to be.

I know someone who calls himself 'Renegade'. He is proud of this thing inside of him. He thinks no matter how wrong he can ever be, he is not lying to himself. He is what he says he is. People can make up the terms for his character. He never cares. He is hidden. No one knows anything about him. People have tried to understand him many times but he stays in his lonely, he does what he intends and he sees life with his own eyes, he follows his own footsteps. He keeps coming back, he says he can't let go.

He makes mistakes again and again and he just never stops the hurt inside of him. Something makes him go on, something that has been making him go on from a long time. There is a connection between his past and his future, a connection that music has with an instrument, day has with the night, and a dream has with sleep, a connection that has no half way, a connection that has no present, no composition and no rest.

"I know life never gets you where you want to be but it gets you somewhere close so you can try little more and have another day with another reason to live it".

I wrote 'Renegade' to define something that I'm proud of, something that I'll always be proud of.

Peace inhales anger, I wish the sun shines again.

 

July 21, 2009

What happens when you suffer?….when your purples give you yips?….when you know that it ain't you?….do you think that life can be the same?….everything sure always happens for a reason…there is a connection between yips and drips

People you talk to are gone in a split second and ya left with nothing but a thought of the present and a question about what went wrong…you can never answer that and the thing is..there is nothing that can match the question.

Floor is shinning with the water sprinkled on it and the ceilings are closing in…two people I spend most of my time with….two souls who I knew were always so happy are so sad and I can do nothing about it…I can't comfort…I can't tell them that things are gonna be fine..cause I don't know where I'm exactly heading..

I was listening to 'renegade'…a song that I wrote for someone..I now understand what it means..It just means that I can never be who I'm not…this song is about me…why I'm trying to change?

I guess I would never know…there is something that connects the mere possible with the impossible …and that's what makes the impossible …possible

I'm renegade and that's something that I'll always be

From Fireflies

The grass is high and the pain is under

If I get high then these times would wonder

The hunger still lies inside the fire

And the pain is a passion built by a liar

The church bell rings in my ears

And Satan inside me weakens my fears

Life seems consumed by a notion

And the answer lies in the depth of an ocean

Now only a reason can save this seed

And only a sonnet is enough to make it bleed

The grey clouds are turning black

The endless rivers are turning back

Somewhere Mary plays that old guitar

Steps taken forward can be ceased by a war

Life seems consumed by a slow decay till death

There's always a last rush of blood before the final breath

09July09

 

 

Can one change the day to night and night into day?

It's the same with love. One can never grow love in someone's heart. The more you try, the more you go away from it. Love is a mysterious thing, it's so weird. You just love and then you just hurt. You give it never to get back in return.

Monday Morning

You know it's funny when sometimes all you want Is everything and get back nothing. The joke rather becomes even more funny when you get some of what you want but that is not sufficient to kill the thirst but soon you lose even the little you gained.

'Se7en' is one nice movie, I had it with me from a long time but I never even tried watching it but as these days, passing time is hard so I gave it a try and man was I not laughing at that one scene. I should talk about it. Its dinner table where Brad Pitt is sitting with his wife Gwyneth Paltrow and Morgan Freeman is the invited guest for dinner. As they begin to eat and talk the whole house starts to shake as if it's some earthquake or something. Brad Pitt tells Morgan to relax and explains that it's just a subway and he begins to speak "this real estate guy bought us this fucking piece of shit, use to bring us here for only 5 minutes every time he would bring us here, 5 minutes only, fucking piece of shit, subway comes every 5 minutes". His lines were somewhat similar to what I have written though I don't remember but the thing is, Morgan Freeman looks at them with sympathy and says something about their house to be very lively and vibrating and starts laughing out loud with an excuse. Gwyneth joins him but Brad looks at them all flustered and says "alright already" looks at his wife and asks her "why are you laughing, I don't know why the hell are you laughing" and then they all start laughing together. That was one funny frame of that movie.

I remember some other not so funny lines from the movie and one of them is this "I didn't say I was different or better. I'm not. Hell, I sympathize; I sympathize completely. Apathy is the solution. I mean, it's easier to lose yourself in drugs than it is to cope with life. It's easier to steal what you want than it is to earn it. It's easier to beat a child than it is to raise it. Hell, love costs: it takes effort and work."

So why do people puzzle with the shit that love don't costs a thing, it sure costs something more than anything else I can imagine.

You know there is this truth about the world. It makes you look what it sees and it makes you hear what it hears. People only wanna talk what they wanna hear.

Being alone is something hilarious to me now. You'll know it if you sit in a situation where your seconds pass like minutes and minutes pass like hours and hours turn to forever. When you want to talk to someone, there is a shit load of people you know, so many who care so much about you but going through the phone book of your piece of shit phone, it's ironic to find that there is not one person who you can call.

05Sunday09

So how one should explains vividness of life?

Can life be made by a green piece of paper?

Can it be made by people itself?

Can god write it or can we write it?

You can question yourself thinking you would know the answer but there cannot be any answer. Sometimes when the content of an occasion is no more favorable, we often feel alone. Where this loneliness comes from? Does it originates from within or is it ruled by the outer energies?

You can question too much and answer the same but its all bullshit. Nothing can work and nothing ever works. Sometimes you need to be alone to best judge your present which involves past phenomenon and future events.

Indulge yourself into something in order to understand it and this is the best way to learn.

This is how I learn. Right now I'm learning to pause time to better understand future.

"Sleep is the cousin of death"; I think I know what it means since I can't sleep for even a minute now. I'm surviving and my body is not giving up. I see no physical changes and something tells me that I don't have much time and this is how I have to live.

It's been 5 days without a single second of sleep. I don't know what my mind is working on, perhaps something so powerful that my heart cannot indulge into anymore. Perhaps I can't shake emotions. I ended 50 day thing on the second day of third time since I knew it would have been the last time and I didn't needed that anymore.

I wouldn't need help, I would need a miracle to understand myself now.

Peace!