06Nov, 09

Watch the hourglass pause and you can easily say that the time can slow down and every moment can be captured.

Hear that opera and the cry of that magical vintage voice that can't be copied, hear the slow jazz, stare a painting by Van Gogh and pause in it, Call your mom and hear her scold you about the world today and the lunch you skipped yesterday, talk to your old buddies about the school time, call dad just to say 'thank you', call brother to say that you need him cause you're about to mess things up, call your sister and tell her that you are with her but right now you need a big favor, call your favorites to hear them speak, call that crazy friend of yours who only wants you to get high and talk about the last time he got high, call one of your friends to hear her talk about the guy who recently dumped her, call those who need you and hear the appreciation their voice carries, talk to someone on the street, smile at someone round the corner, think about someone and expect that they think about you and to your surprise waiting for them to talk to you and saying this same thing, talking to little angels who don't know what a car is but they just want it anyway, help someone somewhere somehow.

Go back to your home town and be surprised by the change and see things move as time passes by so damn fast. You love it there but you know deep down where you really belong.

Walk that old empty street where it use to rain and you look up at the stars in the middle of the night expecting it to rain.

Looking in the eyes of someone and hiding something with a tear and asking them to trust you and you know that they trust you more than anything in the whole world and you know that they would never ask you about it again, even If it's a lie, they would always trust you with it.

Fighting someone for something and being in a position to make a move and when you decide that it's time to do it, her 'hello' changes it.

Hurting yourself only because you think that there is someone out there who got hurt cause of you only and no matter how much you do right, nothing will make that go away.

Thinking about the things we win and lose and time that goes on.

Losing your faith and expecting it to return soon even when it's gone good.

Confessing to god about your sins, even when you know that there is no god out there but the faith you carry for the belief that someone out there is always watching you.

That one final kiss above all, that washes your pain, makes you believe, makes you remember and then makes you forget what you don't want to remember anymore.

All this and more that you can't leave behind.

Stillness of an hour glass never stops time, time goes on. What needs to be done to capture every good moment is to bring that back in life.

Oct 27, 2009

After a long time I finally thought about a story, there have been many but none that made me describe my inside, just to pour it outside.

more than 45 days back home and I did paint, I did play guitar, I did made some more of the so called Green's Mind raps and I did had a good time.

In all this I was with people living my life the way I want to and god does it not feels good to finally be the person one wants to be? I'm that person I always wanted to be.

On my way back this last time I again ended up with someone on the way who poured out his heart in front of me. It's incredible that whenever I go home, I find someone who does find it absolutely important that I should know about them. The way they open up and then the way they tell me as if they have to, it's incredible.

I remember the guy who was in army playing golf every other day and all he would think about is his kid and wife. He told me that life is incomplete without the family no matter if I'm flying a fighter plane or if I'm hitting golf balls off the ship's wreck.

Then that girl who broke up with her boyfriend after 5 years relation, I still don't know if I even started that talk. All I remember is that she was telling me the whole thing from A to Z, and that guy who god married by an accident and a fractured arm. So far I think it was the funniest and most romantic love stories practically heard by me.

After 2 long years and everything in between, the rules, the codes and everything I did to change or to analyze myself, for the things I have lost and found, to a new life I have found. I'm happy.

It's incredible to find that I talk in a rather weird way these days, making people laugh their ass out.

My friend wanted to do some purple haze last night; he thought what I can come up with if I try it. I remember the night was indeed freaky with the movie and stuff we were talking about. We were playing this one legendary VA cd that was street rap. Some dudes were selling that on the street corner when my friend bought it for $2 and god that shit was awesome.

And then everything was slow, night was at its most lonesome hours. She was pure magic, her voice was reminding me of the music that use to be poetic, her questions and concern was reminding me of the young love that is like a mystic truth, a young love making you old before your time. I wish moments like these can be captured in a frame of mind that makes them so vivid that one can actually travel back time whenever needed.

Life is beautiful.

Friday 31st, 2009

 

Friday, August 31^st, 2009

It was a late night drive when me and two of my best buddies or should I say almost brothers were driving back home from a weird trip home and we had decided to return back late night on a 4 hour biking hike. Everything was so perfect like we had planned. Then suddenly no know came to conquer the moment. It happened so suddenly and no one had a moment to decide what to do.

There was big ass carriage vehicle up front and we were fast, on a highway everyone is always fast but that piece of huge shit for no reason stopped. My rommie pressed the brakes as fast as he could and then he let them go trying to cut the bike from the sides. That was the best anyone could have done cause otherwise we would have crashed straight on it. A heavy Harley version can never work with the handle but weight bearing, that 's how it cuts on the sides so we couldn't cut it and we crashed right on the side of that thing and then something flipped the bike from the front tire and we were mid-air, it was a two way collision. It was like a movie scene. It happened so suddenly that none of us could think straight. I felt immense pain and then I felt nothing at all. My left leg was crushed badly. Another second and everything would have been squeezed to pieces.

Then came the moment of truth, dark road with no soul around and just some people lying on the sides of that street came running and god they were drunk and they just ate our minds. It took us 3 hrs to reach our college hospital waiting for the ambulance and by that time I had lost like a bag of blood already after which we tried some of our own medical practice to stop the bleeding which succeeded. Then a surgery and stuff to deal with and then almost 5 in the morning and then the thinking of being alive.

God is great and devil is a mf.

The Greatest

 

You listen and you watch, you try to be the greatest, you see someone and you follow, you follow their footsteps and then you leave a trail too.

Sometimes in following our dreams we make so many little absurd turns, detours and unnecessary stops and then we end up somewhere where we don't intend to be.

I know someone who calls himself 'Renegade'. He is proud of this thing inside of him. He thinks no matter how wrong he can ever be, he is not lying to himself. He is what he says he is. People can make up the terms for his character. He never cares. He is hidden. No one knows anything about him. People have tried to understand him many times but he stays in his lonely, he does what he intends and he sees life with his own eyes, he follows his own footsteps. He keeps coming back, he says he can't let go.

He makes mistakes again and again and he just never stops the hurt inside of him. Something makes him go on, something that has been making him go on from a long time. There is a connection between his past and his future, a connection that music has with an instrument, day has with the night, and a dream has with sleep, a connection that has no half way, a connection that has no present, no composition and no rest.

"I know life never gets you where you want to be but it gets you somewhere close so you can try little more and have another day with another reason to live it".

I wrote 'Renegade' to define something that I'm proud of, something that I'll always be proud of.

Peace inhales anger, I wish the sun shines again.

 

July 21, 2009

What happens when you suffer?….when your purples give you yips?….when you know that it ain't you?….do you think that life can be the same?….everything sure always happens for a reason…there is a connection between yips and drips

People you talk to are gone in a split second and ya left with nothing but a thought of the present and a question about what went wrong…you can never answer that and the thing is..there is nothing that can match the question.

Floor is shinning with the water sprinkled on it and the ceilings are closing in…two people I spend most of my time with….two souls who I knew were always so happy are so sad and I can do nothing about it…I can't comfort…I can't tell them that things are gonna be fine..cause I don't know where I'm exactly heading..

I was listening to 'renegade'…a song that I wrote for someone..I now understand what it means..It just means that I can never be who I'm not…this song is about me…why I'm trying to change?

I guess I would never know…there is something that connects the mere possible with the impossible …and that's what makes the impossible …possible

I'm renegade and that's something that I'll always be